i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
