She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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