I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
