I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
