i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just threw up on my dentist
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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