I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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