Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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