Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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