that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
