i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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