i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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