last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
home. puking in laundry basket.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
