woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
