don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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