note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
