also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
