so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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