are you still at the devil's house?
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize