Already got asked if we're dating
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize