if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
