foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
