Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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