The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
there's paper in my vomit.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
