I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
