You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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