seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
