I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
