I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
