My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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