theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
