Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
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