im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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