I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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