mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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