Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
