i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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