guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My vagina just recognized that song.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
