My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
