I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I understand Curling. That high.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
