There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
