Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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