her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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