Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
