it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
