He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
