I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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