I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
