Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
