Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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