OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
