Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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