OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
