he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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