Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
