Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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