Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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