why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
