1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
