What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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